Not My Thing

I usually come here when i'm upset, pissed off, frustrated, depressed . Yeah that's basically it!

I don't come here when I'm sad. Sad is heavy on me , i don't "do" sad.

It's the feeling of being misunderstood, don't get me wrong, I don't go round trying to please people. It's just not my thing.

I'm talking about people who count , who really count in your life. People you're "real" with. Common don't tell me you're real with everyone, you would be one BIG FAT LIAR..ok maybe not fat. but hey !

Someone really special accuse you of things, jugding you. You have to think , okay so all those years , all the things we went through together, don't get me wrong. im not one to throw things i did for people back at them. Also, "not my thing".

But sometimes you have to list the things in your head, ok i did this , did that, this happened, felt this, felt that. Was that not being real enough?

I can fight and fight for a relationship if and only if i am appreciated. When that's gone , is there anything left to fight for? I wonder.

So i sit here, wondering if i should be all defensive, or just let it be. If there was anything , it will come back to them. It must , well it should .

It's not my thing to fight and beg just to be understood, to prove to you i'm real. I was real till the very end. If you form my heart into a human being. It would be sitting back somewhere , or walking around , whichever way,, it would be Naked. Ha i'm so good with description. (not)

Labwa whaa?!!..I'm a SHARK

Before I start with my ranting & raving, for those who don't know labwa is arabic for LIONESS.

So yeah we face things, ugly things, at work at home ,,basically almost everywhere.
and no no i'm not gonna be all (ohh im so saaaaaaaaad, i wanna kill myself) lol.
I'm a sharrrrrk, i'm vicious, fierce , mean at times (have to admit) ..and i am capable of hurting (Real bad)..chop of a leg with my teeth..or any body part for that matter lol.. that bad !

You know what i am? I'm SHARK WOMAN.. Letting go of your anger as i have found out recently is way better than just bottling up everything inside which eventually leads to depression and feeling like crap about people who basically are not worth a second spent in thinking about them..

Cause you see, anger to me atleast lasts for a few seconds, minutes max..depression lingers a bit longer..

Be SHARKS ppl !

and oh the picture has nothing to do with this lol i just like it ..=D

Ramadan Kareem

Ramadan, a beautiful month, where all muslims fast till sunset, a month where people are closer and closer to their faith, closer to their families and friends, and where people stick to helping people more than any other time.

To know more about Ramadan , http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramadan

Ramadan Kareem everyone =)

Mabrook 3alaikum il shahar..

Showering Thoughts

It's amazing (well, to me atleast) that you get to really think and ponder about very serious aspects in your life, when you're all wet, (don't let your imagination run wild now!) . Was just having a shower .

I was thinking of the people i know , the people my friends know, my relationships, and theirs. It's strange how so many are surrounded by people who make them feel like crap basically (and that's by choice!). That does include me by the way.

I know that sometimes in any kind of relationships you face arguments, which i think is very healthy to know the person more and even get closer. But what happens when you're with someone who makes you less of a person, abuses you verbally, etc

The question here is how to differentiate between what's healthy and what's going out of line.

It's pretty simple, when you feel the negative energy coming out of you then it's WRONG , wrong to surround yourself with people who are responsible of that kind of energy.

Negative energy can be defined in so many ways, and my definition is quite simple

- When they make you cry and hate yourself (unless you're a cry baby and tend to cry alot, that's a different case)
- When they make you doubt who you really are and make you feel less of a person
- When they twist everything you say into something ugly no matter how good your intentions are
- When your self esteem is quite low having them around

and many more. Hmm not as simple as i thought but here you go, these are the signs. WORK ON THEM

If it's healthy , you forget about your arguments ,act normal the next day, and just pick up another argument. That's okay really, so don't worry too much.

So to all my friends in screwed up abusive relationships. You should know you're worth so much more, you're beautiful, smart , intellectual, etc (this should be in another post) . Just walk out,you know, and i know you deserve so much more.

My father once told me , (he's a very wise man btw) never have high expectations when it comes to people (other than your family) and don't have low expectations either. Be like the "Aber Sabeel" in their lives , take the good things with you and leave the bad things. "aber sabeel" is like the constant traveller, passing by places and people.

as for me, to all the "so-called" friends who get a kick out of making me feel like crap, guess what? i dont feel like crap, actually i love myself, i'm great! and as my dear friend always say "don't hate me cause i'm great, hate me cause I KNOW it" =p

Passionate

I didn't understand how someone can say i'm passionate about this and that. I mean i couldn't understand or begin to imagine what a person really feels.
It wasn't until i found a passion of mine that i began to understand or "feel" it.
Photography! I've been into it since hmmm Jan 2005 i think. I'm not great sometimes, i think im not that good either.
But the point is, while im taking pics, i literally forget everything EVERYTHING,, the good the bad and the ugly. I might be crying and you just have to push a camera into my face and that's it lol.
It's really nice that i can relate to the word passion now.I know that when you're passionate about anything, your eyes would light up when you're talking about it, you tend to put everything on hold while you're doing it,it's just you and your passion.
Yeah, photography is my passion.

Think "BEAUTIFUL"

I'm too fat, my fingers are crooked, my lower lip is too big, one eye is smaller than the other?, my ears are too small, my hands are too big, my toes look funny, hate my thighs, hate my jaw,hate my hair, this goes on and on.

Just picture a girl (me) surrounded by mirrors and just talking to herself and pointing out things. That is the picture in my mind, i can totally see myself going round and round pointing things out, it's only natural right? WRONG, it's not natural and it's not normal to bring ourselves down like that.

So I decided to think "beautiful". I hereby declare that i WILL NOT go down that road of insecurties AGAIN. Boy! that was easy to "say" but i promise i'm gonna try to squeeze as much of the insecurties out of my brain.

I am beautiful,yeah i'm bit on the heavy side, so what? i like my curves! my fingers are not perfect but i have strong hands, my lower lip is not too big its fuller, i have expressive eyes,i can see the world clearly and in color! my ears are just fine! my hearing is perfect, i have 10 toes, my jaw gives me character, my hair is easy to style,wild and I LOVE IT.

I am a good person, i have never wished ill for anyone not even ppl who hurt me, i like to help ppl out, i love my family, i love my friends , and yeah i do have so much love in me.

I am grateful to God for all the blessings He have given me. I am blessed.

I am beautiful, today is a good day.

Think BEAUTIFUL ppl. THINK IT!

What You See Is What You Get..umm Really?

I heard this a lot from so many and I might've said it once or twice ( ok ok maybe more).As I was growing up,I used to think that "being real" is the thing, and naive as I was, I thought everyone is like that, you know, "real".
Reality check people!! no one absolutely no one is real. We all hide behind masks to hide emotions like resentment, sadness, depression, even hapiness. It really depends on the situation.

Some hide who they are in fear of rejection. Some masks are thicker, some are thin almost transparent. As you may have noticed, I tend to analyze things maybe a bit too much? ..

Ofcourse this realization didn't just hit me one day, it took time, situations, experiences,,etc to know that people do hide behind masks. The feeling of bitterness that came with this rather slow discovery is now gone.

I have been exposed to different cultures and societies and strongly believed that it was only us that extensively depended on hiding. I was wrong again (yeah, I'm not perfect)..Humans no matter where they're from, their religion, their race etc all hide behind masks.

I guess, it gives a person a sense of security or a sense of comfort. I have yet to analyze the human brain more to really know why we do this. *Puts on her lab coat* Any volunteers or let's say donors? *grins*

If Life Was A Cheesecake

If life was a cheesecake, sweet, soft, a hint of a crunch, and easy to swallow. Wouldn't that be awesome!
That's just wishful thinking, thoughts that enter your mind at desperate times. Life is so many things, it's rich, poor, happy, sad, hopeful , desperate, success, defeat, etc. This goes on and on !
It's up to you to make your life just as sweet as a cheesecake. Think of it this way, the creamy taste is the good things in your life and the "hint" of the crunch is the negative things in your life or obstacles.

I love cheesecakes and I love my life with all the smoothness and obstacles.

The Enemy..or So I Thought

It's hard to fathom how could i have thought that "She" was the enemy..looking back to the life i lived, the pain, the happiness, the mistakes, the experiences i went through. Not once was "She" wrong.

"She" is my mother, it is through her that i believe in the strength of a woman, it is through her that i can picture her with the world in her hand and holding a baby
in the other, it is through her that i understood the true meaning of forgiveness, it is through her that i came to understand how to love unconditonally, it is because of her i am who i am today.

How could i be so ignorant to think that she was the enemy when all she was trying to do was protect me! i guess beating myself up for what is in the past would never be an apology, i know that's not what she wants. Maybe this tribute will make her smile and i know this wont even come anywhere near being thankful, because it's that simple,i just can never thank her enough.

Her story:

She was 18 when she got married, an innocent girl not knowing what's in store for her. At the age of 19 she got her first baby, a baby girl that is now her bestfriend and my eldest sister (the shoulder to lean on), 3 days later her husband had a heart attack and thats when she found her inner strength. She took care of him and had to travel abroad for a surgery he had to go through. Her baby was with her mother and father, and that's when her father died and she was torn between both tragedies.
She chose to stay with her husband and not tell him. Because that would be too painful for him! you see what i mean by the unconditional love, this act of pure unselfishness is stuck in my head. How beautiful can a person be?

People often made the comment of calling my mom a Queen and now i understand, she is that from the inside and outside. I'm grateful to God for being blessed with a Mother like mine, she is like no other.

With all that said, i still wonder and i think will keep on wondering of just how could i have thought she was the enemy when the heavens are right under her feet.

Mother may you feel all the love poured into these words and just know that this is an appreciation. Thank you for being you, your strength, your care, your love.

A loving daughter always
Labwa

It's a BOY !!

We rushed her to the hospital at 2 am in the 6th of June 2006..She was radiant, was beautiful and in pain..a strong woman who was my childhood bestfriend, my sister who likes to be the princess with magical powers when we were children.. the delicate one, my beautiful sister.

i saw her pain, i saw her strength, i saw her face contorts in pain and i remind her to breathe..11 am a beautiful baby was born..

My nephew was born in the 6th of June 2006, this day will forever be in my mind, this is the day i knew that love can never be measured by anything.it's just there in our hearts..

The Love of My Life

When I come to talk about my Father i can just feel the words scrambling and coming together at the same time in my mind. I can actually get a mental image of that happening. So many words yet i'm still at loss.
He's someone i look up to not because he's my father well, obviously that's one of the reasons. But the way he brought himself up from holes he got into, the way he looks at life, love, family and so many other things, the strength he finds in the most difficult situations, the gentle heart that you have to concentrate to actually realize that's it's actually there.
The reason that you have to concentrate is that he was brought up to be a "Toughie". My grandmother saw it as the "right" way to raise her sons since she was left alone raising them by the sudden death of my grandfather.
He's so many things and i'm still struggling to describe him. I'll just list down the words to make my life easier

- The family guy
- How he worries, nags, and just makes sure each one of us (his kids) are going on the right path.
- The businessman
- How he becamse so successful from his own hard work ( so hard to find over here)
- The animal lover
- You should see him with his, deers, goats, cows, birds, and chickens, Will melt your heart
- The gentle guy
- The way he treats children and how his whole face changes when plays with them
- The intimidating guy
- He's just intimidating that when he walks into a room u just have to stand up and greet him.
- The romantic guy
- He's not a man that deal with words in these cases believe me, once he was trying to say something nice he actually said, "ur part of my liver" lol what was that about ! , it's the things he does mostly to show how caring he is.

i think there's more ..hmmm

He's fearless, confident, and the way he's comfortable with who he is is just amazing and something i should have picked up and learned from a long time.

with all that's been said i still think there's so much more to say about him...

the love of my life , my Father

reporting live from Burjaman, Dubai ;)