it's 3 30 in the morning , i can't seem to get my body to sleep i mean my body wants to sleep but my head keeps screwing it up. I cant feel my eyes closing, are they even blinking?
it's a mad house up there (my brains), thoughts keep flying about , feels kinda like hitting the walls of my skull whatever that means.
is this what they call an anxiety attack ? the problem is i have to diagnose every single thing , why am i like that?
am i up to what's in store for me ? am i ready ? why am i always running around looking for support , and when i don't get it i just crumble. it amazes me now that i just realized, JUST THIS SECOND, that i cant or wont even consider that i can find support from within. You know like depening on "myself" for that.
what's also amazing is that i keep rambling about myself in this blog and all i do in life is count on anyone BUT myself.
that's just disgustingly weak if you ask me .
this is all just too confusing for me , maybe this is an A-HAA moment for me,(got that from Oprah btw). i just love her , i don't care what u think, I LOVE HER.
ok here comes the guilt, the guilt of me sounding ungrateful of what i have now. I hate it when i feel that way. I DONT WANT TO CARE FOR A WHILE.
I love my life, i'm excited about the future, i love everything. There , to ease off my guilt.
on a more serious note. Al hamdullallah, i am truly blessed for everyone in my life, i just tend to lose my way every once in a while. Al Hamdullah.
A Fresh New Start
So i took out a lot of stuff outta here, let's just call them junk.
Feels so much hmmm cleaner..
So many changes in my life , i'm struggling just to adjust. But i can honestly say i reached a point where this is the happy kind of struggling.
I decided that there's nothing and no one worthy of putting me down. Especially when i'm so blessed right now.
I've got so much love in me right now, this change is totally for the little person in me. Can't wait to see you and hold you. Everything i do right now is for you, i breathe for you. I'm staying positive just for you.
Feels so much hmmm cleaner..
So many changes in my life , i'm struggling just to adjust. But i can honestly say i reached a point where this is the happy kind of struggling.
I decided that there's nothing and no one worthy of putting me down. Especially when i'm so blessed right now.
I've got so much love in me right now, this change is totally for the little person in me. Can't wait to see you and hold you. Everything i do right now is for you, i breathe for you. I'm staying positive just for you.
Bittersweet Cravings
So you're probably thinking food right now. WRONG
actually you're kind of right , but there's more to it. I am craving cupcakes right now but that's not what i wanted to talk about. Unless you wanna go deeper in the subject. You do?
Chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter and caramel fillings, WITH ICING.
ok ok that's not IT okay. stupid cravings!
I'm in one of my crazy moods. not sad not entirely happy ..just insane.
You know what i crave the most? Appreciation. Not love or romance and all that mumbo jumbo.
I don't want it, i crave it. Not from everyone, actually not from so many! come to think of it i can just think of hmmm maybe 3 ppl ? lol
It's just too sweet when you do something or say something and you know you're being appreciated for it. I can't tell you, to me that's my ultimate high !
Of course, i truly believe that when something good is done , there shouldn't be any unclear intentions, my Dad (my very own favorite wise guy) always says no matter how big how great how awesome a thing someone does for you or anyone for that matter, It doesn't mean anything if this person has some hidden agenda behind what he did for you. Not to him and most importantly not to God. In the end, He only knows what's in your heart and mind.
Now here's my ultimate low, it's when the people you care about most wont acknowledge or appreciate what you do, how you feel .
It's not only sad, depressing, frustrating, it's beyond bitter. It's bitter to the point where i wanna pull my hair out , ok ok not pull my hair out. Maybe yank it here and there. lol
These are my bittersweet cravings. I keep wanting to prove, i dont think i can give up for the people i love. not now not ever.
actually you're kind of right , but there's more to it. I am craving cupcakes right now but that's not what i wanted to talk about. Unless you wanna go deeper in the subject. You do?
Chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter and caramel fillings, WITH ICING.
ok ok that's not IT okay. stupid cravings!
I'm in one of my crazy moods. not sad not entirely happy ..just insane.
You know what i crave the most? Appreciation. Not love or romance and all that mumbo jumbo.
I don't want it, i crave it. Not from everyone, actually not from so many! come to think of it i can just think of hmmm maybe 3 ppl ? lol
It's just too sweet when you do something or say something and you know you're being appreciated for it. I can't tell you, to me that's my ultimate high !
Of course, i truly believe that when something good is done , there shouldn't be any unclear intentions, my Dad (my very own favorite wise guy) always says no matter how big how great how awesome a thing someone does for you or anyone for that matter, It doesn't mean anything if this person has some hidden agenda behind what he did for you. Not to him and most importantly not to God. In the end, He only knows what's in your heart and mind.
Now here's my ultimate low, it's when the people you care about most wont acknowledge or appreciate what you do, how you feel .
It's not only sad, depressing, frustrating, it's beyond bitter. It's bitter to the point where i wanna pull my hair out , ok ok not pull my hair out. Maybe yank it here and there. lol
These are my bittersweet cravings. I keep wanting to prove, i dont think i can give up for the people i love. not now not ever.
Reversed
How does it feel ? When you're on the other side for a change? i always wanted to ask that but never thought i would get an answer. I got one now without having to ask. Situations reversed , you're in my shoes and i'm in yours.
They say revenge can be bitter sweet, i've never agreed, always thought it's sour and just plain ugly. It was never about that. Situations reversed.
I held on to you, when all you did was burn me, kept walking in circles , not wanting to let go. Was always pushed to a corner. Situations reversed.
Now I'm leaving the room, getting stuck in corners is not for me. I'm walking now and i realized I'm happy and sad. Sad to lose you but there's nothing I can do. Happy to know that i'll never be stuck in a corner again.
You were never in my shoes and I was never in yours. The situations never reversed, they just changed.
They say revenge can be bitter sweet, i've never agreed, always thought it's sour and just plain ugly. It was never about that. Situations reversed.
I held on to you, when all you did was burn me, kept walking in circles , not wanting to let go. Was always pushed to a corner. Situations reversed.
Now I'm leaving the room, getting stuck in corners is not for me. I'm walking now and i realized I'm happy and sad. Sad to lose you but there's nothing I can do. Happy to know that i'll never be stuck in a corner again.
You were never in my shoes and I was never in yours. The situations never reversed, they just changed.
A Brilliant Question
So here's the story, i recently hurt both my legs. Falling down the stairs at work. *not a pretty sight* No broken bones (if ur concerned, be at ease). Just a lot of bruises here and there.
So you're wondering where i'm going with all of this. Here's the thing, how do you know when people act concerned and worried, how "authentic" are they're questions are about your umm in my case, LEGS.
I got a lot of questions mostly repititive questions, like ; how did this happen ? how exactly did u hurt both legs? and from many did you cry ? lol seriously that was the first question.
The most authentic question i got was , "did anyone see you"? from all that asked me questions, i've never got a more sincere vibe from anyone as much as i felt when i got this question.
I loved how straight to the point it was, how people's concern is always about other people's opinion.
I just think too much sometimes.
Human beings are such losers, i want to be a cat.