Blink Blink

it's 3 30 in the morning , i can't seem to get my body to sleep i mean my body wants to sleep but my head keeps screwing it up. I cant feel my eyes closing, are they even blinking?

it's a mad house up there (my brains), thoughts keep flying about , feels kinda like hitting the walls of my skull whatever that means.

is this what they call an anxiety attack ? the problem is i have to diagnose every single thing , why am i like that?


am i up to what's in store for me ? am i ready ? why am i always running around looking for support , and when i don't get it i just crumble. it amazes me now that i just realized, JUST THIS SECOND, that i cant or wont even consider that i can find support from within. You know like depening on "myself" for that.

what's also amazing is that i keep rambling about myself in this blog and all i do in life is count on anyone BUT myself.

that's just disgustingly weak if you ask me .

this is all just too confusing for me , maybe this is an A-HAA moment for me,(got that from Oprah btw). i just love her , i don't care what u think, I LOVE HER.

ok here comes the guilt, the guilt of me sounding ungrateful of what i have now. I hate it when i feel that way. I DONT WANT TO CARE FOR A WHILE.

I love my life, i'm excited about the future, i love everything. There , to ease off my guilt.

on a more serious note. Al hamdullallah, i am truly blessed for everyone in my life, i just tend to lose my way every once in a while. Al Hamdullah.

A Fresh New Start

So i took out a lot of stuff outta here, let's just call them junk.

Feels so much hmmm cleaner..

So many changes in my life , i'm struggling just to adjust. But i can honestly say i reached a point where this is the happy kind of struggling.

I decided that there's nothing and no one worthy of putting me down. Especially when i'm so blessed right now.

I've got so much love in me right now, this change is totally for the little person in me. Can't wait to see you and hold you. Everything i do right now is for you, i breathe for you. I'm staying positive just for you.

Bittersweet Cravings

So you're probably thinking food right now. WRONG

actually you're kind of right , but there's more to it. I am craving cupcakes right now but that's not what i wanted to talk about. Unless you wanna go deeper in the subject. You do?

Chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter and caramel fillings, WITH ICING.

ok ok that's not IT okay. stupid cravings!

I'm in one of my crazy moods. not sad not entirely happy ..just insane.

You know what i crave the most? Appreciation. Not love or romance and all that mumbo jumbo.

I don't want it, i crave it. Not from everyone, actually not from so many! come to think of it i can just think of hmmm maybe 3 ppl ? lol

It's just too sweet when you do something or say something and you know you're being appreciated for it. I can't tell you, to me that's my ultimate high !

Of course, i truly believe that when something good is done , there shouldn't be any unclear intentions, my Dad (my very own favorite wise guy) always says no matter how big how great how awesome a thing someone does for you or anyone for that matter, It doesn't mean anything if this person has some hidden agenda behind what he did for you. Not to him and most importantly not to God. In the end, He only knows what's in your heart and mind.

Now here's my ultimate low, it's when the people you care about most wont acknowledge or appreciate what you do, how you feel .

It's not only sad, depressing, frustrating, it's beyond bitter. It's bitter to the point where i wanna pull my hair out , ok ok not pull my hair out. Maybe yank it here and there. lol

These are my bittersweet cravings. I keep wanting to prove, i dont think i can give up for the people i love. not now not ever.

Reversed

How does it feel ? When you're on the other side for a change? i always wanted to ask that but never thought i would get an answer. I got one now without having to ask. Situations reversed , you're in my shoes and i'm in yours.

They say revenge can be bitter sweet, i've never agreed, always thought it's sour and just plain ugly. It was never about that. Situations reversed.

I held on to you, when all you did was burn me, kept walking in circles , not wanting to let go. Was always pushed to a corner. Situations reversed.

Now I'm leaving the room, getting stuck in corners is not for me. I'm walking now and i realized I'm happy and sad. Sad to lose you but there's nothing I can do. Happy to know that i'll never be stuck in a corner again.

You were never in my shoes and I was never in yours. The situations never reversed, they just changed.

A Brilliant Question

So here's the story, i recently hurt both my legs. Falling down the stairs at work. *not a pretty sight* No broken bones (if ur concerned, be at ease). Just a lot of bruises here and there.

So you're wondering where i'm going with all of this. Here's the thing, how do you know when people act concerned and worried, how "authentic" are they're questions are about your umm in my case, LEGS.

I got a lot of questions mostly repititive questions, like ; how did this happen ? how exactly did u hurt both legs? and from many did you cry ? lol seriously that was the first question.

The most authentic question i got was , "did anyone see you"? from all that asked me questions, i've never got a more sincere vibe from anyone as much as i felt when i got this question.

I loved how straight to the point it was, how people's concern is always about other people's opinion.

I just think too much sometimes.

Human beings are such losers, i want to be a cat.

Not My Thing

I usually come here when i'm upset, pissed off, frustrated, depressed . Yeah that's basically it!

I don't come here when I'm sad. Sad is heavy on me , i don't "do" sad.

It's the feeling of being misunderstood, don't get me wrong, I don't go round trying to please people. It's just not my thing.

I'm talking about people who count , who really count in your life. People you're "real" with. Common don't tell me you're real with everyone, you would be one BIG FAT LIAR..ok maybe not fat. but hey !

Someone really special accuse you of things, jugding you. You have to think , okay so all those years , all the things we went through together, don't get me wrong. im not one to throw things i did for people back at them. Also, "not my thing".

But sometimes you have to list the things in your head, ok i did this , did that, this happened, felt this, felt that. Was that not being real enough?

I can fight and fight for a relationship if and only if i am appreciated. When that's gone , is there anything left to fight for? I wonder.

So i sit here, wondering if i should be all defensive, or just let it be. If there was anything , it will come back to them. It must , well it should .

It's not my thing to fight and beg just to be understood, to prove to you i'm real. I was real till the very end. If you form my heart into a human being. It would be sitting back somewhere , or walking around , whichever way,, it would be Naked. Ha i'm so good with description. (not)

Labwa whaa?!!..I'm a SHARK

Before I start with my ranting & raving, for those who don't know labwa is arabic for LIONESS.

So yeah we face things, ugly things, at work at home ,,basically almost everywhere.
and no no i'm not gonna be all (ohh im so saaaaaaaaad, i wanna kill myself) lol.
I'm a sharrrrrk, i'm vicious, fierce , mean at times (have to admit) ..and i am capable of hurting (Real bad)..chop of a leg with my teeth..or any body part for that matter lol.. that bad !

You know what i am? I'm SHARK WOMAN.. Letting go of your anger as i have found out recently is way better than just bottling up everything inside which eventually leads to depression and feeling like crap about people who basically are not worth a second spent in thinking about them..

Cause you see, anger to me atleast lasts for a few seconds, minutes max..depression lingers a bit longer..

Be SHARKS ppl !

and oh the picture has nothing to do with this lol i just like it ..=D

Ramadan Kareem

Ramadan, a beautiful month, where all muslims fast till sunset, a month where people are closer and closer to their faith, closer to their families and friends, and where people stick to helping people more than any other time.

To know more about Ramadan , http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramadan

Ramadan Kareem everyone =)

Mabrook 3alaikum il shahar..

Showering Thoughts

It's amazing (well, to me atleast) that you get to really think and ponder about very serious aspects in your life, when you're all wet, (don't let your imagination run wild now!) . Was just having a shower .

I was thinking of the people i know , the people my friends know, my relationships, and theirs. It's strange how so many are surrounded by people who make them feel like crap basically (and that's by choice!). That does include me by the way.

I know that sometimes in any kind of relationships you face arguments, which i think is very healthy to know the person more and even get closer. But what happens when you're with someone who makes you less of a person, abuses you verbally, etc

The question here is how to differentiate between what's healthy and what's going out of line.

It's pretty simple, when you feel the negative energy coming out of you then it's WRONG , wrong to surround yourself with people who are responsible of that kind of energy.

Negative energy can be defined in so many ways, and my definition is quite simple

- When they make you cry and hate yourself (unless you're a cry baby and tend to cry alot, that's a different case)
- When they make you doubt who you really are and make you feel less of a person
- When they twist everything you say into something ugly no matter how good your intentions are
- When your self esteem is quite low having them around

and many more. Hmm not as simple as i thought but here you go, these are the signs. WORK ON THEM

If it's healthy , you forget about your arguments ,act normal the next day, and just pick up another argument. That's okay really, so don't worry too much.

So to all my friends in screwed up abusive relationships. You should know you're worth so much more, you're beautiful, smart , intellectual, etc (this should be in another post) . Just walk out,you know, and i know you deserve so much more.

My father once told me , (he's a very wise man btw) never have high expectations when it comes to people (other than your family) and don't have low expectations either. Be like the "Aber Sabeel" in their lives , take the good things with you and leave the bad things. "aber sabeel" is like the constant traveller, passing by places and people.

as for me, to all the "so-called" friends who get a kick out of making me feel like crap, guess what? i dont feel like crap, actually i love myself, i'm great! and as my dear friend always say "don't hate me cause i'm great, hate me cause I KNOW it" =p

Passionate

I didn't understand how someone can say i'm passionate about this and that. I mean i couldn't understand or begin to imagine what a person really feels.
It wasn't until i found a passion of mine that i began to understand or "feel" it.
Photography! I've been into it since hmmm Jan 2005 i think. I'm not great sometimes, i think im not that good either.
But the point is, while im taking pics, i literally forget everything EVERYTHING,, the good the bad and the ugly. I might be crying and you just have to push a camera into my face and that's it lol.
It's really nice that i can relate to the word passion now.I know that when you're passionate about anything, your eyes would light up when you're talking about it, you tend to put everything on hold while you're doing it,it's just you and your passion.
Yeah, photography is my passion.